My $1,000 First Kiss

I would like to address some of the rumors that are floating around the internet about me saying that I was not the the most suave young man. Apparently, there have been blog posts and silly pictures drawn of me depicting an inability to smooth talk the ladies. I just want to say, these rumors are true.  But it wasn’t for a lack of trying… no wait, actually, it was.

When I turned twelve years old I finally graduated from primary! Even though my mom was primary president for…well, forever-- I was excited to get out of primary and begin attending Sunday school with the big bad teenagers. The teachers name was Mary Falslev, she was and is 1000% percent dedicated to her calling of teaching us the gospel through her class. She always had a lesson prepared and was excited to teach us week after week. It was in this class that, as a young man, I sealed the fate of my teenage years. This is where I made an oath of celibacy. Where I promised that I would no longer chase the womens. 

You see, there is one lesson that I think all teachers loathe to teach. The law of chastity—it is the law that we follow pertaining to sex. We promise not to have any sexual relations of any kind until we’re married. That’s pretty straight forward, no sex outside of marriage. But in today’s world, well, to quote Bill Clinton, the former president of the United States, "It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is." Meaning, what even counts as sex? That's why this can prove to be an awkward lesson to teach. Unless of course your name is Zach Larsen. If this is your name, then by golly you love seeing the awkward faces of those you’re teaching as you banter off words you do not know the meaning of.

After Zachs lesson the bishop had a sudden influx of repentant souls visiting his office

And that’s all I’m going to say about that. 

Although, when teaching twelve year old kids the law of chastity, sometimes, you just gotta start from the beginning. So one day in Mary's class she went through the For the Strength Of Youth pamphlet that the church released to give guidance to the youth.  This pamphlet addresses  what is okay and not okay when it comes to engaging in activities with the opposite sex as a teenager. It addresses dating, dancing and other activities that the church doesn't prohibit, but there is a chance for promiscuity to occur. It teaches us how to avoid compromising situations.

So we talked about kissing, cuddling and other things that we weren’t old enough for. And that’s when Mary said something to the effect of, “there will come a time when you will want to have those relationships. I bet by the time you’re 15 or 16 you will have already kissed someone.” “Not me!” I proclaimed, completely grossed out. “I bet you a thousand dollars that you will,” she said. “Okay!” I confidently said. “I bet you a thousand dollars that I won’t kiss anyone until I’m 16.” We were agreed. The rest of the class was also offered the deal. However, I don’t think that they took it as serious as I did. Actually, I don't think Mary took it as seriously as I did...

Dillon's ability to charm the ladies never ceased to amaze me as a young man

The next fast and testimony meeting, to make sure that I got my reward when I won, I made sure that there were witnesses.

Fast and testimony meetings were always interesting in the Benson 1st ward

After my public declaration of the bet, Mary got up and changed the deal just a little bit. She said that I couldn’t kiss a girl until my mom said it was okay. This bummed me out just a little bit because it added some time onto my thousand dollar- celibacy. But it didn't lesson my resolve to win.

My mom told me that when I turned 18 that I had permission to kiss whoever I wanted. She felt by then it was no longer her decision. But before I turned 18 she would have to know the girl and she’d decide. It was sort of ridiculous… however, I used to be really competitive and I was not backing down. During those six years I did not meet a girl whose lips were worth a thousand dollars. So, although I had girls crawling over one another to get to me – for six years I refrained myself. 

In reality, I could have made a thousand dollars for not talking to the opposite sex. Remember that time when Ginny Weasley first sees Harry Potter at the burrow in the Chamber of Secrets? You remember the look of sheer terror and embarrassment on her face as she ran away? I myself could pull that same look very well, and I’m sure I did each time I came face to face with a girl.

Okay, I wasn’t ever really that awkward. I was actually very normal. I went on dates and had non-romantic girlfriends all throughout school. 

Actually, my best friend Aaron is a girl...

So yeah, I was normal! And one summers night, I got to prove it. 

I was 18 years old and it was a Saturday night, so obviously I was partying...it was a pizza party...at Little Caesars. Okay, I was working late at Little Caesars on a Saturday night. At about 9'oclock my buddy Scott Adamson called me and told me that there were a couple of girls that wanted to hang out with us. (We had previously hung out with these girls) I told him I couldn't, I wouldn't get off work til about 11. He hung up, perturbed by my lack of zeal towards the prospect of hanging out with these girls. I hung up the phone and began putting pepperoni on more pizzas.

Scott was always quite the ladies man....................................................... oh, I ran out of dots.

He actually never had a problem surrounding himself with the ladies... cough (he was in (cough) color guard) cough cough. Oh, and so was Wes...but Wes (the one in the tux) ended up marrying the tall girl in the back. Her name is Micah. So that worked out for Wes...

ANYWAY...

The phone rang again and I answered it. It was Scott. "Dude!" he said. "They want to go star gazing!" That moment my eyes bounced out of my sockets and my chin hit the ground. Even I, the late bloomer, who, up until the last year had only stood three inches above five feet tall, whose voice had just recently started to crack, and who hadn't enjoyed more than a casual hug from a girl in his 18 years of God given life. Yes, even this guy knew what star gazing meant. "I'll do what I can and call you back," I whispered into the phone. Scott let out all sorts of girlish giggles as I hung up the phone. 

A few minutes later, I was out of there. 

Okay, so I didn't just leave. I had to do a whole lot of begging and take on a shift or two in order to leave. But I did not care.

I was still in my Little Caesars clothes and I wreaked of Pizza and tomato sauce. I called Scott on my cellphone as I drove over to Walmart to pick up a can of AXE body spray and told him I was on my way. A girlish squeal suddenly pierced my ear, "are they already there?" I asked. "What? No! I'm just excited!" he screeched.

Ten minutes later I was over at Scotts house, dressed in one of his t-shirts and an extra pair of jeans I luckily had in my car. For now the AXE body spray was doing its part to keep the pizza smell at bay. I'm sure I smelled...awesome. 

The girls came over and then we went to Elk Ridge park. All four of us sat there for a couple hours and talked and did some actual star gazing. Then Scott and his date disappeared... and there I sat...in the dark...all alone with this girl. We lied on our backs for an hour, just talking. Well, a lot more than talking was going on in my mind. I kept arguing with myself back and forth, should I do it? Should I not? Does she want me to? And then there was my most major concern...

 However, as I mustered the courage to kiss this girl I managed to keep my cool and a seemingly chill demeanor... or so I thought. 

I had never been so scared or unsure of what to do in my entire life

Finally, during a pause in the conversation, (which was happening more and more frequently due to the fact that we were running out of things to talk about) I did it! I got up the courage and I acted... Well,sort of. With no warning I yelled,"dang it! I'm such a chicken!" cried into the night. "What?" she laughed. " Well, I really wanted to kiss you tonight, but, I just have no idea what to do." I whimpered pathetically.

 Suddenly, this big buff, handsome black dude walked out of the shadows and wrestled my wallet away from me, took out my "man card" and told me I had to earn it back somehow. He then disappeared and the night proceeded as if nothing happened. 

She laughed again, there was a momentary pause, she then sat up and asked me if she could kiss me... I lay there, not moving. "Yes, please." I answered. I then saw her head above mine and two lips closing in....I did not move a single muscle. It was as if my body was had gone into shock and I could not move. Once again...

 A few seconds after she kissed me Scott and his date showed up and she was sitting over me with her lips on mine. Scott started making fun of us, but then realized that she was no longer kissing me, she was giving me CPR. Apparently I had blacked out, I don't remember the traumatizing experience of  them trying to revive me. All I remember was waking up comfortably in my bed the next morning having finally been kissed. 

Oh, and by the way, Mary did keep her end of the bet and she paid me $1,000 dollars to help pay for my mission.

From what I've heard... she has never made that bet again.