My One and Only One-Night Stand

Attending college...not graduating, but attending college was always on the agenda of my life. Although I didn't begin attending until I was 21 years old. I took a two and a half year hiatus from higher bull*****ing and schmoozing... I mean, learning and educating for a two year mission for the LDS church in Florida. However, during this time I learned a great deal about hard work, goals, priorities and learning how to study effectively. It was wonderful! So when I got back home and started college I was more than ready to ace my classes, find a wife and pave my way to the Celestial Kingdom by starting a family.

Due to a lack of entertainment on the mish, taking selfies was yet another learned trait that I brought home

So with all those learned skills I did really well in college for my first year. I passed all my classes and decided that I wanted to become a teacher -- all the while searching for my soul-mate. I tried to have relationships with the girls I desired to date and did everything the way it seemed I should. Pretty much my first year of college was the opposite of what everyone says theirs was.Which was typically failed classes and other forms of regret.

Like this...

Or this...

Or this...although I'm sure that most stories that are like this are full of crap

But, since I don't drink and I don't create memes, the last one is my main point of interest. Because after about a year of being in school the magic of my mission had sort of...wore off. It's not a total bad thing. Yes, it is the reason that four years later I'm still in school. However, it's all worth it.

So after a year of being in school I realized that my college experience was nothing like that of the movies. I even wondered if those "college experiences" the movies depicted even existed. Because...

#1.There were not hot bikini clad women chasing me around campus
#2. There were no parties (that I saw) full of bikini clad women chasing me around the party
#3. There were no girls, fully clothed or in bikinis that wanted anything to do with me

In this moment of realization I decided to change my ways. I wanted to see what the college life was all about. So I tried to get social, which was difficult. I'm an extrovert cleverly disguised as an extreme introvert. I love talking to people -- but boy, do I hate talking to people. I have to click with someone instantly in order for me to care to get to know them. It's a curse, and it's mine to bear...and I do it willingly. But I decided NO MORE!!! I was going to get out there and find fun friends, go to PG-13 parties and try to have a PG one-night -stand. Just kissing. I had always joked about it. However, I had never actually tried to do it. I didn't feel I had the necessary gene pool or whatever I needed to do something like that. I was not one of the Barney Stinsons, Joey Tribbianis or Aaron Bennetts of the world. I just didn't have what it took... until one night... I did.

Good heavens, that was just my intro. You may need to get up and stretch your legs before continuing

One night, in an attempt to be social and live the life of a college student I called up a couple of my A-list wing-men to come with me and hit the town of Logan/ I wanted to see if we could pick up some chicks...or at least talk to some...or make eye-contact with a few. Whatever. Not important.

Wing-man number one was Zach Larsen, AKA: the next president of the United States of America.

This is what I expected from Zach this night...

I wouldn't call this flawed logic, because, Zach and I were still not completely familiar with one-an-others social lives. But now, after five years of friendship, this is what I've learned about Zach and the way he likes to spend a Friday night. 

Definition of Zach- a creature of habit powered by Star Trek, politics and a healthy addiction of obsessively writing in his journal.

My second wing-man was Adam Blake. AKA: the next prophet. Three words that would describe Adam would be -- righteous, BYU, and dork.

But a good dork

I think that says it all.

So where might three young college men go to find girls in Logan?.......

That is not a rhetorical question, please fill in your answer below in the comments section. Thank you.

Well we didn't know, so we went to a magical place where you can find anything. Walmart.

I had this theory that picking up girls in Walmart was totally possible. All we had to do was go to the movie section, meander a bit and then... voila! We would start talking to girls, bring up a conversation about movies and then ask them if they wanted to go watch one.

So the three of us piled into my 1995 Buick and headed to Walmart. Minutes later we found ourselves stalking the movie section pretending to actually be looking at movies. None of us said a word as a girl sporting a red Utah Utes jacket began to look through the movies. A couple awkward minutes passed, and Adam and Zach kept gesturing me to go over and talk to her. And so...with every ounce of courage I could muster I walked over and began to talk to her.

My brain was going so fast that I have no recollection of the first 30 seconds of the conversation. But I pretended I was trying to choose between an action flick (representation of my masculinity) and a chick flick (to show that I had a soft side that she could either find sweet or pathetic...whichever, as long as it worked.) 

It was actually working...

So with two of my friends literally looking over my shoulder, I attempted to have a very flirtatious conversation with this cute-outgoing girl. Our conversation sparked and we laughed as we talked. For Zach it was like looking at an ultrasound...he knew what it was, but he just didn't. Every now and again I would say something that went over his head and he would question me. This made me clam up a couple of times completely throwing me off my groove...that I didn't know I had.

There was an especially awkward time when she mentioned that she was at home by herself because her roommates were out of town. I was bummed by this, because my plan was to ask if she had some roommates for Zach and Adam to...ya know... I don't know. Just, I didn't want the three of us to ask a girl staying in an apartment all by herself if we could come over and hang out with her. So just to clarify I asked her, "so you're all alone?" I realized the question sounded creepy, but for some reason my mind froze and I asked it three more times... Even Zach knew this was weird.

Somehow my meltdown was overlooked and we ended up helping her pick out a movie. Luckily, she didn't notice too many of our groups oddities or inexperience with the ladies.

It was then that I got the impression that neither Zach or Adam had a lot of contact or interaction with the opposite sex

Once we helped her pick out a movie she invited us to come over and watch it with her and have Starbursts cooked over a fire. (Her stove...okay this is something I will never understand...roasted Starbursts are disgusting)

I am ashamed to say that she did buy a chick flick off of my stupid, soapy, sappy, trying to be the sensitive- tender man recommendation. I do like chick flicks, but, Anne of Green Gables and Pride and Prejudice...not the Kate Hudson ones.

"You can't go wrong with either of these!" -- Oh she is sooo wrong!

So she gave us her number and address and told us to meet her there in 20 minutes. So we did just that. We hung out at Walmart for a few more minutes like a bunch of giddy school girls that had just won the NBA championship, met Spock in person or got a full ride to BYU. Actually...I think one of us achieved one of those... anyway.

We walked outside and piled into my car -- ready for the next step in our night of...whatever three scared LDS guys going over to an apartment with one girl was.

So this is college?

As we pulled into her apartment complex I half expected this to be a set up, I kept imagining the police swarming us as we got out of the car. I actually have no idea why she didn't call the cops.

 We got there and it turned out she was a little weird... or we were a little weird. Either way, it was a very uncomfortable setting. At one point all three of us were sitting on the couch together while she was in the bathroom. That's when I knew this was the opposite of cool. This was lame. We tried to salvage the night by interacting with her and talking and stuff...  Zach was glued to the couch and refused to move or go near the girl. Being in a girls apartment was a new experience for him. It was okay to be petrified. It got "Adam late" (11 o'clock) and we had to leave. So we said goodbye and left.

And I never even called her back.

That was my first and last one night stand with a girl... oh the magic.

Bloomington Lake

I love Bloomington Lake! My wife and I hiked four hours on one of the hardest trails we've ever climbed to do this... you can also just drive up right to the lake. Not as rewarding though. ;)