My $1,000 First Kiss

I would like to address some of the rumors that are floating around the internet about me saying that I was not the the most suave young man. Apparently, there have been blog posts and silly pictures drawn of me depicting an inability to smooth talk the ladies. I just want to say, these rumors are true.  But it wasn’t for a lack of trying… no wait, actually, it was.

When I turned twelve years old I finally graduated from primary! Even though my mom was primary president for…well, forever-- I was excited to get out of primary and begin attending Sunday school with the big bad teenagers. The teachers name was Mary Falslev, she was and is 1000% percent dedicated to her calling of teaching us the gospel through her class. She always had a lesson prepared and was excited to teach us week after week. It was in this class that, as a young man, I sealed the fate of my teenage years. This is where I made an oath of celibacy. Where I promised that I would no longer chase the womens. 

You see, there is one lesson that I think all teachers loathe to teach. The law of chastity—it is the law that we follow pertaining to sex. We promise not to have any sexual relations of any kind until we’re married. That’s pretty straight forward, no sex outside of marriage. But in today’s world, well, to quote Bill Clinton, the former president of the United States, "It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is." Meaning, what even counts as sex? That's why this can prove to be an awkward lesson to teach. Unless of course your name is Zach Larsen. If this is your name, then by golly you love seeing the awkward faces of those you’re teaching as you banter off words you do not know the meaning of.

After Zachs lesson the bishop had a sudden influx of repentant souls visiting his office

And that’s all I’m going to say about that. 

Although, when teaching twelve year old kids the law of chastity, sometimes, you just gotta start from the beginning. So one day in Mary's class she went through the For the Strength Of Youth pamphlet that the church released to give guidance to the youth.  This pamphlet addresses  what is okay and not okay when it comes to engaging in activities with the opposite sex as a teenager. It addresses dating, dancing and other activities that the church doesn't prohibit, but there is a chance for promiscuity to occur. It teaches us how to avoid compromising situations.

So we talked about kissing, cuddling and other things that we weren’t old enough for. And that’s when Mary said something to the effect of, “there will come a time when you will want to have those relationships. I bet by the time you’re 15 or 16 you will have already kissed someone.” “Not me!” I proclaimed, completely grossed out. “I bet you a thousand dollars that you will,” she said. “Okay!” I confidently said. “I bet you a thousand dollars that I won’t kiss anyone until I’m 16.” We were agreed. The rest of the class was also offered the deal. However, I don’t think that they took it as serious as I did. Actually, I don't think Mary took it as seriously as I did...

Dillon's ability to charm the ladies never ceased to amaze me as a young man

The next fast and testimony meeting, to make sure that I got my reward when I won, I made sure that there were witnesses.

Fast and testimony meetings were always interesting in the Benson 1st ward

After my public declaration of the bet, Mary got up and changed the deal just a little bit. She said that I couldn’t kiss a girl until my mom said it was okay. This bummed me out just a little bit because it added some time onto my thousand dollar- celibacy. But it didn't lesson my resolve to win.

My mom told me that when I turned 18 that I had permission to kiss whoever I wanted. She felt by then it was no longer her decision. But before I turned 18 she would have to know the girl and she’d decide. It was sort of ridiculous… however, I used to be really competitive and I was not backing down. During those six years I did not meet a girl whose lips were worth a thousand dollars. So, although I had girls crawling over one another to get to me – for six years I refrained myself. 

In reality, I could have made a thousand dollars for not talking to the opposite sex. Remember that time when Ginny Weasley first sees Harry Potter at the burrow in the Chamber of Secrets? You remember the look of sheer terror and embarrassment on her face as she ran away? I myself could pull that same look very well, and I’m sure I did each time I came face to face with a girl.

Okay, I wasn’t ever really that awkward. I was actually very normal. I went on dates and had non-romantic girlfriends all throughout school. 

Actually, my best friend Aaron is a girl...

So yeah, I was normal! And one summers night, I got to prove it. 

I was 18 years old and it was a Saturday night, so obviously I was partying...it was a pizza party...at Little Caesars. Okay, I was working late at Little Caesars on a Saturday night. At about 9'oclock my buddy Scott Adamson called me and told me that there were a couple of girls that wanted to hang out with us. (We had previously hung out with these girls) I told him I couldn't, I wouldn't get off work til about 11. He hung up, perturbed by my lack of zeal towards the prospect of hanging out with these girls. I hung up the phone and began putting pepperoni on more pizzas.

Scott was always quite the ladies man....................................................... oh, I ran out of dots.

He actually never had a problem surrounding himself with the ladies... cough (he was in (cough) color guard) cough cough. Oh, and so was Wes...but Wes (the one in the tux) ended up marrying the tall girl in the back. Her name is Micah. So that worked out for Wes...

ANYWAY...

The phone rang again and I answered it. It was Scott. "Dude!" he said. "They want to go star gazing!" That moment my eyes bounced out of my sockets and my chin hit the ground. Even I, the late bloomer, who, up until the last year had only stood three inches above five feet tall, whose voice had just recently started to crack, and who hadn't enjoyed more than a casual hug from a girl in his 18 years of God given life. Yes, even this guy knew what star gazing meant. "I'll do what I can and call you back," I whispered into the phone. Scott let out all sorts of girlish giggles as I hung up the phone. 

A few minutes later, I was out of there. 

Okay, so I didn't just leave. I had to do a whole lot of begging and take on a shift or two in order to leave. But I did not care.

I was still in my Little Caesars clothes and I wreaked of Pizza and tomato sauce. I called Scott on my cellphone as I drove over to Walmart to pick up a can of AXE body spray and told him I was on my way. A girlish squeal suddenly pierced my ear, "are they already there?" I asked. "What? No! I'm just excited!" he screeched.

Ten minutes later I was over at Scotts house, dressed in one of his t-shirts and an extra pair of jeans I luckily had in my car. For now the AXE body spray was doing its part to keep the pizza smell at bay. I'm sure I smelled...awesome. 

The girls came over and then we went to Elk Ridge park. All four of us sat there for a couple hours and talked and did some actual star gazing. Then Scott and his date disappeared... and there I sat...in the dark...all alone with this girl. We lied on our backs for an hour, just talking. Well, a lot more than talking was going on in my mind. I kept arguing with myself back and forth, should I do it? Should I not? Does she want me to? And then there was my most major concern...

 However, as I mustered the courage to kiss this girl I managed to keep my cool and a seemingly chill demeanor... or so I thought. 

I had never been so scared or unsure of what to do in my entire life

Finally, during a pause in the conversation, (which was happening more and more frequently due to the fact that we were running out of things to talk about) I did it! I got up the courage and I acted... Well,sort of. With no warning I yelled,"dang it! I'm such a chicken!" cried into the night. "What?" she laughed. " Well, I really wanted to kiss you tonight, but, I just have no idea what to do." I whimpered pathetically.

 Suddenly, this big buff, handsome black dude walked out of the shadows and wrestled my wallet away from me, took out my "man card" and told me I had to earn it back somehow. He then disappeared and the night proceeded as if nothing happened. 

She laughed again, there was a momentary pause, she then sat up and asked me if she could kiss me... I lay there, not moving. "Yes, please." I answered. I then saw her head above mine and two lips closing in....I did not move a single muscle. It was as if my body was had gone into shock and I could not move. Once again...

 A few seconds after she kissed me Scott and his date showed up and she was sitting over me with her lips on mine. Scott started making fun of us, but then realized that she was no longer kissing me, she was giving me CPR. Apparently I had blacked out, I don't remember the traumatizing experience of  them trying to revive me. All I remember was waking up comfortably in my bed the next morning having finally been kissed. 

Oh, and by the way, Mary did keep her end of the bet and she paid me $1,000 dollars to help pay for my mission.

From what I've heard... she has never made that bet again. 

The text that never came

Being from a small valley everybody assumes that if you and your significant other went to the same high school, you were either high school sweethearts, or you knew one another. In our circumstance this assumption is wrong. My wife and I went to the same high school, but we did not know each other. She is two years younger than me and when I was a senior she was a sophomore. I don’t think I knew a single person her age at the time…besides my sister…actually, that statement stands. I don’t think I knew a single person her age at the time.

 Also Aleece is a female, this fact alone made me completely incapable of knowing her in high school. Only in priesthood quorum or in isolated conversations with my best friend Aaron was I a ladies man. AKA…when there were no girls present. But as soon as girls were around I had no game. Por eso, I stayed mainly in the gym playing basketball during lunch, after school, in-between classes…during classes… you know, only when I was supposed to.

Well, it turns out that Aleece and I did have a class together. Early morning seminary. In Utah, the large concentration of Mormon students lets students get out of school and walk to seminary buildings that are right next to the school. In these classes you get to hear the gospel according to (insert seminary teachers name here)

 Usually you don’t have to take early morning unless you are insane – or, you’ve failed a few too many classes throughout high school and you don’t have room in your schedule to spare an extra hour and your mom makes you graduate seminary even though you don’t care to, but she threatens to take your car away if you don’t. Which, neither of those was me… ahem.

So what I’m getting at is…Aleece and I had a seminary class together. I did not know that because of the “general conference” room.  In order to keep the spirit locked in the class, the seminary teachers posted signs outside their doors saying that if you were late you had to go into the “general conference” room and sign your name. Here you would watch old recordings of general conference. The best part was they had no teachers in that room. I think they trusted the integrity of the students, so Aaron and I would show up late, sign our names and then go play basketball for an hour before school. By the end of the semester I had passed, dribbled and shot my way through seminary. Hey, it was their fault for keeping the spirit hostage like that.

This is why neither of us made it to the NBA... It has nothing to do with the fact that we are two skinny white kids under 6 feet tall... 

Proof that at least one of us could have possibly made it... 

Anyway, the way Aleece and I really met was working at Little Caesars after my mission. It was definitely not love at first sight. We were both seeing other people and after a few months of working together Aleece didn’t like me at all. But then, one day, while making pizzas, my hand and her hand went for the same pepperoni and a connection was made…an unbreakable connection! I immediately asked her out. We went on a few dates and fell deeply in love. I made all the right moves and we were passionately in love with each other! I was so brave, committed, and honest with her! It was a love of legends. Romeo and Juliet—HA!  Odysseus and Penelope – NO! Tristan and Isolde – Please! This was stronger than any other love story in the world.

NOT.

The reality of it is -- Aleece scared the crap out of me. For months I watched her while we worked and tried to find something wrong with her. There was nothing. She was kind, hardworking, funny and beautiful. (That list could go on much longer!)

The day I asked her out I was shaking… It was Sunday, and I couldn’t wait any longer. Aleece and I had been hangin out together for a month but I still didn’t dare ask her out. She was leaving for a vacation later that week and wouldn’t get back til my family and I had already left for ours. Oh man, I really wanted to take her on a date before we left. So I went into Little Caesars with a plan.

 I was still in my church clothes, lookin sharp. I asked Aleece if I could talk to her about the schedule. So we went over to where the schedule was hanging up and I said, “on this day,” and I pointed at Wednesday, “would you like go to dinner with me?” She looked up quick, she had expected me to ask her to work for me. She looked at the schedule, “yes!” she said. “Oh, but I have to work that night.” “Have you not looked at your phone,” I asked slyly. “What?” She quickly pulled her phone out of her apron pocket. She then read a message from my little brother, (who also worked at Little C’s) “Hey Aleece, can I work for you on Wednesday? I need the hours.” 

Yes, this lead Aleece to believe that I was very smooth.

This is what it took to get my brother to agree to do that though...this was when we were younger. But once you've seen one brotherly squabble, you've pretty much seen them all.

 So we went on a date later in the week and I grew to like her even more.

The next day she left for a family reunion. She got back on Sunday, a couple hours before my family left for our vacation and I went over to see her before we left. We talked… and that’s all. But, I don’t think I had ever loved someone as much as I did that girl.

My five person family crammed into a five seated car and drove a four hour drive that would drive anyone a bit crazy. By the time we stopped for the night to stay in a hotel Nelson and I had just about had enough of each other. And Beth just hated both of us. She was strategically placed in between Nelson and me to make the car ride bearable for everyone else. Sacrifice the one for the needs of the many.

20 hours round trip... Good thing we love each other!

 Once we got to the hotel Nelson and I both made a mad scramble to get control of the remote for the television. We wrestled and fought for it, at one point I somehow found myself at a disadvantage. As Nelson was reaching out for the remote and I, in no position to make a move, playfully flung my cellular device across the room -- and by some miracle, it hit him in the side of the head. I leaped across the room and grabbed the remote while my brother was momentarily stunned. Victory!

 

Nelson is Gollum, the remote is Frodo, and I am Sam. 

(Skip to 54 seconds for a quicker replay of what transpired)

 I then picked up my phone, turned on the television, and began to text Aleece. (I had been texting her all day) In some form of…poetic justice, or just downright stupidity, my phone would no longer respond. It would turn on, it looked fine, but it was just broken. Nelsons stupid head had broken my phone.

I tried everything I knew to fix it. I took the battery and SIM card out and restarted it -- nothing. So with no options left, I threw it against the wall -- still nothing.

The next day my phone was not receiving or sending any messages or calls. I figured I’d be okay, it’s only a week without seeing, texting, calling or communicating with Aleece… Boy, was I ever wrong! The destination of our trip was the Hiawatha bike trail in Montana. We were going through Coeur d’Alene. It was about a nine or ten hour trip total. So the entire next day we drove to Wallace Idaho and stopped through there. The movie Dantes Peak was made there. You know Dantes Peak right? It’s the movie with Peirce Brosnan that made you deathly afraid of volcanoes when you were 10 years old. You’d lay awake in bed at night hoping the volcano closest to your house didn’t blow up cause you’d die of acidic water eating your legs off. Or…that’s just me. I worry. And because I worry, with no other form of proof, without my phone and constant communication with Aleece, I knew she was forgetting more about me each day. So day by day… I slowly lost my mind.  

Day 1: We had an awesome bike ride on the Hiawatha trail...

By Day 3 I had officially snapped...

The vacation was wonderful! We rode the Hiawatha bike trail, wandered the streets of Coeur d’Alene and Wallace Idaho and stayed in some of the dumpiest hotels imaginable. In fact, there was still a leftover piece of pizza in the fridge when we checked into one of the hotel rooms. All the while my phone stayed broken and I wondered if Aleece still remembered me. In my mind she had forgotten me on day one, found another guy on day two, got engaged on day three, and was married on day four.

Luckily, by day four we got out of the woodland shopping areas and hippie stores and found a mall somewhere in Idaho. By this time, my family was aware of my anguish. We stopped at the mall so I could run into the T-Mobile store and get my phone fixed.

In the store I explained to the worker what was wrong with my phone. They did a few different things to try and restore it but none of them worked. So I ended up completely buying a new phone… (Which they advised against because it was possible that the SIM card was broken) But I did not care. So I bought a cheap (50 dollar) phone and put my SIM card in it. I turned on the phone and waited for it to load...

Suddenly, the phone began to vibrate. 

OH! Could this be Aleece??

Or maybe this one!??

Wow, she missed me!...

  Finally, my phone stopped vibrating...

Okay, I'm going to have a lot to tell her about! First I need to text and apologize to her for not responding!

Uuuuuhhhhhh.... WHHHHHAAAAAAT????????

 So, is it just me, or does anyone else find something wrong with this picture here? ^^ What's missing? I had been gone for four days, I was expecting a sudden influx of text messages. However, I was hoping for especially one in particular. But it never came! This amazing girl, who I was totally missing, and madly in love with had not texted me a single time within the last four days! Not a single text! Despite the fact that we had been having a fun conversation minutes before Nelson broke my phone!

Not even a butt dial...

 Luckily, with a lot of prodding from me-- we decided to cut our vacation a day or two short. We were all tired and wanted to get back home and get a head start on the weekend. When I had finished picking up the pieces of my shattered heart I decided to text Aleece, even though she obviously wanted nothing to do with me! 

When she responded she sounded excited to hear from me, and my spirits were revived. I made plans with her for later that night. We decided we'd watch What Lies Beneath at my apartment and go get Slurpees. 

I don't know what it was, but that night I decided I didn't ever want to feel like I could lose Aleece ever again. So that night I finally held her hand, we cuddled, and I told her exactly how much I liked her. I poured out my heart and soul, I told her how miserable I had been because I couldn't text her or talk to her over the trip and the things I did just to get my phone working to be able to hear from her again.

And thank goodness she felt the same way... 

Cause it all kinda worked out...

                                                                THE END